I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You took a bar mat shot.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
