after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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