I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
