She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
