No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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