I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
