I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
