Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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