I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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