if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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