A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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