how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Randomize