I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
