I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
vagina is talking i cant
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
