I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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