i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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