my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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