The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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