I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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