the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
