Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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