i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
