I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
