He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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