whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
