I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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