Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
