You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
