so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We left an ass print on the piano.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
