u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
do herpes really smell.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
