I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
