the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
