apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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