omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
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Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
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But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?