Your face is a jimmy john
yea but for you.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait