I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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