i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
