Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
