She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
