I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
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