we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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