If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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