What a fucking waste of an outfit
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
