Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
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