I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
