New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
