I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
