For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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