Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
