Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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