it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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