On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
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