In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
