he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
That was before I lit my hair on fire
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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