I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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