He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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