My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
