I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
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