guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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