I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
