i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
COCAINE IS GR8
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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