i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
