No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
